Ever since I became a Christian, I have heard people say phrases like "God put it on my heart", "God spoke to me", "I felt God's calling...". Hearing those phrases always confused me. As a Christian, shouldn't I be hearing things too?
Then a couple of years ago I had an experience that I could only explain as God speaking to my heart. The details have the makings of their own blog post, but I'll give you 411 quickly. I was sitting in church. I felt a "knowing", for lack of a better word, that I was supposed to have another child, I should name him David and he will do great things. Whoa!
Umm. Pardon me, but I think that thought might have been meant for the person next to me.
In case you are wondering if one of my kids is this blessed child that I was supposed to have, let me burst your bubble and set the record straight now. I said no. Well, my husband and I collectively said no. Heck no. Not convenient. Not happening. Our second child cried almost her entire first year of life and besides, we are done with bottles!. Snip, snip (get it?).
I said no to God, the ONE time in my life I heard him talk to me. What a jerk!
I'd be lying to you right now if I told you that I regretted my decision. I haven't been tortured by feelings of regret or sadness of not having more kids. But much like the "knowing" I had in church a few years ago, I live with a "knowing" that I am missing out on a blessing. As hard as it would have been to have another child, I "know" that my life would be even more complete if I had followed God's will. It doesn't feel possible, but I "know" it. My loss, for sure.
In the two years since this happened, I haven't heard any big messages from God. Okay, so I likely haven't been listening as much as I could. But I do pray and I do like to think that the lines of communication are open, even if a little fuzzy.
But God likes to give people second chances. And I got one.
No, I'm not pregnant. Nor will I ever be (snip, snip).
The life that I've been called to help is that of a 12 yr old girl. Actually, two girls - 7 and 12. These two girls live on my street. Their mom walked out on them a few years ago. Just walked out and left them (and their brother, whom I don't know) with their dad and grandparents. And then, about a year later, grandma left. Then Grandpa. So these girls live with their dad, their brother and their uncle.
Imagine, my female friends. Being 12 yrs old and not having a mom or any "maternal" fill ins. Let that sit with you for a minute.
My heart breaks for these girls. I see the pain in their eyes when they watch my kids interact with me. I've felt ache in my heart for them for months. Then the other day, while watching them play at the park with my daughters, it hit me. I need to be here for them. That 12 year old girl right there needs me in her life. She needs a woman to talk to and to learn from.
So I invited them in for pizza. And we made hair bows. And I felt blessed to be there with them. And I think they liked it too, because they came over again today as soon as they got home from school.
Thank you, Lord, for my second chance. I won't blow it this time.
What about you? What does it feel like when God speaks to you? Do you listen??